It’s a scorching day in Beverly Hills and you’re stuck in the back of a Star Homes Tour bus that you’ve been forced to go on because it came with the hotel and flight package you bought on Priceline. You secretly wish bad shit on William Shatner as you pass by a house that he used to own back in 1976. Just when you begin to nod off at yet another house that a silent movie star lived in a long time ago, the tour finally lands on an actual star home. The tour guide announces that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Beverly Hills mansion is over to the left.
You can barely muster up the interest but just as the bus drives away, you see someone standing in the upstairs window. You blink twice to make sure you’re seeing what you think you’re seeing. Is that Suri Cruise looking straight at you, holding up a ruby encrusted Etch-A-Sketch with the words “Help Us” on it?
What do you do now?
Click here if you chalk it up to the heat making you see things. You don’t want to get in trouble, so you ignore it and go back to the hotel room.
Click here if you decide…Hell Yes, I’LL SAVE KATIE!
You’re a special kind of heartless wussy that would rather jerk off to Cinemax and fall asleep than rescue a poor five-year-old girl pleading for help via an Etch-A-Sketch. And Tom Cruise is almost as tall as a toddler, what kind of trouble do you think you’re going to get into? When you’re sitting on the toilet taking a piss, take a peek and check to see if your balls are still there. If they are, gather them up and go help Suri save Katie!
Click here to man up and save Katie.
Or stop reading now, pussy.
You happily do a tuck and roll off the bus as it slows down by the mansion, relieved to be out of the bus and the stifling stank of tourist sweat. You wonder how in the hell you’re going to get past the gates and just then Suri pops out from the bushes.
“How did you…?”
“I don’t have time to explain right now. Take off your shirt and put this on….”
Suri holds up a pair of what appear to be denim shorts but it’s hard to tell because they’re so small. It could just as easily be a bandana.
“Do you want to help my mom or not?”
“Well only a little, I just really wanted to get off that bus. I’ll help you but, what’s in it for me?”
“You get to sell this story to the tabloids and, by next week, you’ll probably have enough money to buy THIS house. Is that a good enough reason?”
“You know, you’ve got a pretty good vocabulary for someone who’s five years old. I’m impressed.”
“Yeah, my Dad screwed the guy who invented the Your Baby Can Read learning system. He’d just put it on a loop for me while my dad and him had their ‘dates’ in the guest house.”
“Please, stop right there. What do the short shorts have to do with me saving your mom?”
Suri explains that she’s finally figured out a way to deprogram Katie so she can walk out the door without setting off any of Tom’s alarms. Apparently, there’s been talk that Katie will soon by replaced with a new daddy that’s she’s not exactly fond of.
“I know a warm bowl of broccoli has more personality than my mom but I would rather have her than have Danny Zuko for a dad. He borrows my make-up and tiaras and never returns them!”
“Danny Zuk… ? You mean John Travolta?! Your dad and John Travolta are….?”
“Oh yeah, those two have been sword fighting for quite some time. Hurry! Put these on!”
Click here if you say screw Suri and her shorts! You can handle Tom! You jump the fence so you can go kick his pygmy ass!
Click here if you put on the shorts and trust Suri’s judgment.
Once you get to the pool area, Tom sees you and orders his pool boys to attack. You’re suddenly pinned at the bottom of a greasy pool boy dog pile. You’re greased up nice and good, because Tom likes his pool boys shiny, and a Xenu leash that bears a striking resemblance to a ball gag is attached to you. Congratulations. You are now part of the pool boy roster and a permanent employee of Tom Cruise. Just wait until you see where he deposits your paycheck.
The End.
Click here to start over.
You take off your shirt and shimmy your way into the short shorts like Shakira. Before you can change your mind, Suri grabs your hand and hurries you into an employee entrance towards the back of the house. She leads you to a giant pool covered with oily guys with the same shorts as you, sashaying to house music.
“You need to take my dad to the bedroom as soon as you can!”
“What? I thought we were going to save your mom!”
“I’M going to save my mom. YOU’RE distracting my dad. Find him and take him to his bedroom!! Don’t worry. I’ll have someone come get you as soon as we get out!”
Click here if you realize you’re in over your head and decide to make a run for it!
Click here if you decide it’s too late to back out now! Go find Tom.
You’re a special kind of heartless wussy that would rather jerk off to Cinemax and fall asleep than rescue a poor five-year-old girl pleading for help via an Etch-A-Sketch. And Tom Cruise is almost as tall as a toddler, what kind of trouble do you think you’re going to get into? When you’re sitting on the toilet taking a piss, take a peek and check to see if your balls are still there.
The End.
Click here to start over.
Suri runs off and you’re suddenly blinded by a glare coming in your direction.
“Hey now, are you the new pool boy?”
You realize the glare is shining off a pair of giant picket fence teeth that belong to none other than the very petite Tom Cruise.
“I know, I know. I’m Tom Cruise. It startles a lot of people that I’m just this normal guy who’s no different from anybody else even though we both know I’m very different from you, in a much better way. Listen, this has got to be a pretty big moment in your life. I’ll give you a second to take it all in.”
So there you stand, face to face with the infamous Tom Cruise grin that takes up 90 percent of his face. He then pats you on the ass and whispers something about playing a game called Goonies, where you have to find “One Eyed Willie.”
“I’ll give you a hint new pool boy – one eyed Willie likes to hide where there are bright colors…”
With that remark, he lowers his swim trunks to show off hot pink straps that appear to be connected to a pair of women’s thong underwear. You remind yourself about the millions of dollars that will rain down on you after you leak this out to the tabloids and do the talk show circuit. You force a smile to the troll who’s now eyeballing your groin.
“I…ah….that sounds like a great game. Except, maybe we can ah…go inside…?”
“To my bedroom? Of course. I’m sure that would be very thrilling for you.”
Tom leads you to a small dark bedroom that you assume is his until you see Katie on the bed. She looks up, blank faced and says; “It’s so great being married to Tom. He’s wonderful. We’re doing great. We’re so in love!”
She sounds the same as she does in all her interviews – cold and lifeless, like she’s reading from a teleprompter. Tom leans over her and you hear what sound like beeps and clicks coming from Katie’s neck.
Click here if you decide to grab Katie and bolt for the door!
Click here if you decide to stick to the plan…even though most of your shorts have crawled up your sphincter.
You shove Tom to the side and attempt to haul Katie over your shoulder before you realize she’s attached to the bed by a bundle of cables. The last thing you see is Suri rolling her eyes at your stupidity before Tom hits you in the back of the head with a first edition, hardcover copy of Dianetics. Rest in peace and may L. Ron Hubbard show mercy to your soiled thetan soul.
The End.
Click here to start over.
“So sweetie, I’m going to interview this fine young man for the new position of pool boy. Promise me you won’t go anywhere unless I say so okay? FABULOUS!”
Katie falls into a deep sleep as soon as Tom screeches out the word “Fabulous!” As you walk out of the room with Tom, you see Suri hiding under the bed, giving you the “okay” sign. You follow Tom to his bedroom. It’s as big as your condo and decked out with a four poster princess bed, a fuzzy pink throw rug and a giant poster of L Ron Hubbard on the ceiling, which you later discover to be a glow-in-the-dark picture when Tom turns off the lights.
You glance out the window just in time to see Suri run out the main gates with Katie in tow. Mission accomplished!
“Hey Mikey, it’s time to find one-eyed Willy and his lost treasure. Lucky you, I already gave you a hint!”
Tom starts thrusting towards you crotch first with nothing on but a pirate eye patch and the hot pink thong. Holy shit. What now? Where’s back up? Where’s the help Suri promised? Who’s going to save YOU?
Click here if you decide that Suri forgot about you! You abort the plan and jump out the window.
Click here if you tough it out and hope and pray Suri has called for back-up.
Really? Did you actually pick jumping out the window? You’re probably the type of person who also died of dysentery 10 minutes into playing Oregon Trail huh? Point being, you jump out the window and get impaled by a pink flamingo lawn ornament.
Bravo.
The End.
Click here to start over.
All of a sudden the lights flash back on. Tom bellows out a high pitch scream like he just saw a cockroach.
“VAGINAS!! Eeeeee!!!!”
A burly looking bunch of women with leather vests that say “Dykes On Bikes” burst into the room and corner Tom, who grabs the nearest rubber dildo and starts swinging it at their faces like a crucifix.
“Stay back! Don’t touch me! Eewwww! I don’t like seafood! I DON’T! LIKE! SEAFOOD!!!!”
You’re grabbed, ushered out of the house and out the front gate by Chaz Bono, who has a car waiting in the front to take you home. You don’t even get a chance to thank her….uh…HIM, because your ass is chock full of denim and the uncontrollable colon spasms cause you to pass out as soon as you get in the car.
You wake up the next day and when you turn on the TV you suddenly see your face accompanied by the headline; “Daisy Duke wearin’ Hero Saves Katie!” An unknown somebody (who you suspect is five years old) also conveniently leaked a sex tape onto the Internet and now, Danny Zuko and Maverick will have to explain why they were taped playing in each other’s cockpit.
CONGRATULATIONS! Even though your life was briefly disrupted by your 15 minutes of fame and it took 6 months for your family to be able to look you straight in the eye after they saw your hairy ass hanging out of short shorts on the evening news, you saved Katie and, like Suri promised, your bank account benefited from the experience! It’s just enough money to pay for all the therapy sessions you’re going to need to stop the nightmares of Tom’s crotch coming to get you.
Written by Elaine Chaney. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted or follow her on Twitter @LadyHaHa.
